The Monthly Pornobioscoop

We go first so you can come quickly

by Mike Ock & Timothy Baptiste

When I was eleven, and I had only recently started doing the knuckle-shuffle, I would shoot for distance. I didn’t talk about it, I didn’t brag when I had a good pull, I would just keep the yards I had sent my boys flying above to myself and go about my day. The trick was to tightly clench all the muscles in the lower regions for about a second and a half before you thought you were going to fire, just for a flash, then go slack everywhere but your cock. Then, at the very last instant, as you felt the rush of fluid coming, bend your knees slightly, arc your hips back, go onto the balls of your feet and flex every muscle you have. Your calves, thighs, abs, shoulders, the whole deal. If you do it right, your balls jump. As you tightly contract your cock muscle, using your urethra kegel training, you eject at full potential. If you come correct, to borrow the term from 96’ era hip-hop, you can literally chip the tiles of the shower.

If you do it wrong, if you’re breathing is off, if at the last second you remember your rent check is going to bounce, any of that, best case scenario you have a terrible male orgasm. Which is to say it only feels “pretty good”. Worst-case scenario, your balled-up foot missteps on some soap and you rip your dick off. (Whoops!)

As best as I understand it, the female orgasm, as most men are able to provide and most women are comfortable with bringing themselves to, ranges from the safety zone of not trying to chip shower tiles (fear of flight in general) to that best-case scenario for failure. But then, then there are those who dare.

These brave women, and I’ve only known two, who were able to let loose and soak the sheets with successful passion, are truly free, and god love them for it. It’s strange at first, but as far as “down there,” what the hell isn’t at first? Think about an age of innocence when you, faithful reader, didn’t know how to get yourself off. I mean, Jesus, that afternoon that you discovered pulling on part of yourself made it spit? If at that time you were told that women ejaculate just like us, (but good Jesus, take a look, they do it far better) you would have simply accepted it. But because our parents were scared of sex (well, yours were; I have 11 brothers. Do the Irish-Catholic math) we are just finding out from the internet the true super-soaker potential within women.

This month we showcase some sites that put these women on the forefront. God love them.

Yours in a bright sweaty sheen,

-Mike Ock



I’ll say this just once: EVEN DOCTORS DON’T KNOW WHERE IT COMES FROM!  But really… is there a scientific explanation for heaven? I don’t think so.  Why fuck with something so pure and blissful as female ejaculation? And by fuck with it, I mean try to justify it.  Some things in life are best left unquestioned.  At the top of that unquestionable list is why women birth joy juice at climax.

And that's that.

Humbly Yours,

- Timothy Baptiste
























POVSquirtAlert.com
"The horniest women in the world gush for you!"

Point of view videos are always kind of nice, but I think maybe not for the reason that the producers intended. The worst thing that can happen when watching a porno is for a guy to really be giving it to her, and while you watch her writhing and screaming, the two athletes finding their deep rhythm, when you’re ready and so you say aloud (as I always do), “Fuck it, this is it, we’re gonna be cumming in 5,4,3,2…” suddenly they pan up to the guy's face and he’s soaked in sweat, gritting his teeth. Then in the same instant he looks up, stares into the camera and points at you while knowingly nodding his head. (My porn collection comes from Patrick Bateman’s private stash.) So now, in this fear coma you find yourself in, in the last milliseconds of your pre-ejac disposition, you have to make eye-contact with this European scum while you stain another dishtowel. POV flicks kill all potential for that by making YOU the European scum. And why would you ever look in the mirror when you have a sexual water fountain in her late teens beneath you?

The girls at this site are mediocre, mostly off-duty strippers if I had my guess, but they really are working for their money, and they almost always maintain eye-contact, which isn’t creepy, unless you think about it too much... (Imagine you were in the room behind her, watching as she blows sloppy kisses at the dead eye DV camera, having to ignore the guy who’s inside her entirely and watch your hard-on turn into a confused piece of your failed humanity. Now try to forget all of that because the video is still pretty hot and you need to jerk off or you’ll eventually go insane.)

6 out of 10
The women aren’t great looking, but they do wet the bed with feeling.























TeamSquirt.org
"This is NOT pee. This is female ejaculation, a proven scientific phenomenon."

As they say at the very top of the page: “This is NOT pee.” And thank god they spell it out for us, because they really don’t want to get the golden shower crowd thinking that they’ll find their jollies here. This investigative website talks to the women in front of the camera and has them walk you through the process and even professes to teach you how to play the “take home” version of the game. So if the golden shower fans somehow got past the first page, they would be figuring out where to press inside a woman to make her pee. Which I’m sure is possible, but that is just so damn weird we’re going to have to save it for another month.

This site, with its women that rate a six out of ten in the porn world, really gets into what makes these women the water parks that they are. With diagrams and good length sample videos, this site is actually worth the money and the time spent there. If they are genuinely able to teach men how to use their divining rods to find water, these are gentlemen who are truly working to make this world a better place. They should be respected next to cancer doctors and the older brothers across the world that left drugs around when I was a freshman in high school. Saints. These men are saints.

9 out of 10
These men are doing important work, and the women are half pretty. You can get your handling handled at this site.























SquirtHunter.com
"Real squirting action from honey babes."

You know that saying, "Cruising for a bruising"? Or another good one, "Hurtin' for a squirtin'"?  Yeah. You know who says that shit? Squirt Hunters.


2 out of 10
There's very little actual "hunting." It's more like... harvesting?























GirlsThatGush.com
"Real female orgasms and the pussy juice to prove it."

It’s no huge surprise that the famous faces of the stained screen are comfortable enough with their plumbing to hit the spot right and Bam! Old faithful pops off and waterlogs the couch they got from rent-a-center. What is interesting is how infrequent these scenes appear in the overall oeuvre of these women’s careers. If these women are so in touch with what fires them off that they can just reach in and pull the trigger, reaching heights of pleasure so explosive that they could water Wrigley field, then the lack of these scenes in their body of work speaks more to the amount that they have to hold back sexually while fucking on camera, which translates to them actually “acting," and how the industry itself continues to treat the female orgasm as a fetish act, rather than the inevitable conclusion of a job well done.

This site is totally worth spending time on, with faces you’ll recognize screaming in actual pleasure, not just the usual screams of sensory overload/fear of being torn in half scraping its way through the xanax- or vicoden-dulled mannequin face and glassy-eyed exterior of these women making their car payments by getting railed by a train of men that truly hate them. (Some of these girls work primarily hardcore, and that stuff is pretty brutal.) I’m 60% sure these girls are actually sober in these flicks, or at least not entirely stoned to the point that they can hide their minds in the safety of nirvana as their physical forms are tortured on earth. Long story short, because I’m civilized, if I can see the girl is trying to figure out if she’s too high to be shaken around without throwing up, I start to lose my hard on. Which is strange, because most times I’m tugging my tabernacle I’m stoned out of my fucking mind. 

8 out of 10
The top porn stars of the moment actually enjoying sex with full release. Strange that this is a novelty site…

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