The Monthly Pornobioscoop

We go first so you can come quickly

by Mike Ock & Timothy Baptiste

What’s up with sex machines?  I’ll tell you what’s up with sex machines!  They’re amazing.  What’s not to like about a girl fucking herself with some dildo-sheathed jackhammer?  What’s not to like about some S&M stockade in which some lucky broad gets spun on harder than any man ever could?  What’s not to like about that?  Some girl cumming all over a stainless steel robocock pumping at 60 rpm?  Like I said… amazing.

And then there’s the creativity these sick fucks put into their machines… the many-tongued cunnilingus rotary slapping away at some girl’s clit… the hand-held, briefcase-encased, airplane-safe, battery-powered 8” raging hard-on rapid fire fucking machine pounding into one but satisfying both… these machines are the work of geniuses.  True craftsmen, really.

And so, here’s this month’s highly-anticipated Pornobioscoop.  Sex Machines.

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Cumbots.com
"Fucking Machines - Mega Orgasms"

Firstly, nice name.  Great name.  And this site is a lot like the machines it features: great names, but fairly bland.  The Attache, Black Magic, Mini Stallion, Stallion, The Invader, The Maruader, The Toolbox... all these machines have great names too!  But in the end, there isn't much difference between The Invader and The Stallion.  And that's a shame.

4 out of 10
Creativity.  That's what we're looking for here.

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Fuckingmachines.com
"In High Definition"

This is what I'm talking about.  This site has it all... good looking girls, crazy machines, tons of positions, on-location shoots!  Hell, this site even has scenarios, narratives!  Girl loses dog, finds dog outside random RV, enters RV, finds sex machine, fucks said sex machine!

Quote: "It's hard to get Brooke to do anything without a vibrator but the relentless pulsing does help her take some big dongs and reload to cum again and again. She even has Fuckzilla aiming to please as his giant vibrating arm works her clit while the Rocker workers her pussy."

Hold on.  Wait.  Wait just a second... yup.  This is the best damn sex machine site on the internet.

10 of 10
What I say?  It even has girl-opporated sex machines, and that damn tongue down gadget!

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Twilightsex.com/sex-machines-thumbs.html
"Sex Machines Gallery Sex"

It's a Wednesday afternoon.  You're home from work.  And bored.  But you're not quite sure when your roommate is coming home, and you'd love to rub one out.  Worry no more!  This is the site for you!

Easy to navigate, straight to the point, a gallery of galleries.

7 out of 10
When you know what you want but you don't have the time to look for it.

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Sexmachinesmuseum.com
"An exposition of mechanical erotic appliances"

We're pretty sure this museum sucks as bad as its website.  But hey, Prague is pretty cool.

1 out of 10
Everyone gets an A for effort.  And that gets you one lousy point.

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Machine-Porn.com
"Fucking Machines"


You know how people say, "Quality over quantity"?  I don't exactly know how that applies to porno.  I mean, I've gotten a lot of use out of those low-fi 6-hour tapes of half-busted girls and coked-out cocks.  Most of the time all those "quality" pretty girls seem just a bit too pretty.  And we all know the pretty girls just fake it.

Where does Machine-Porn.com fall into this?  Dead smack in the middle.

The videos, though few, are fine quality.  Far from mint, but good 'nuff.  A lot more lesbo shit than I care for but the girls in body cages make up for it.  It's like a great bourbon when you're already drunk.  It tastes good, but you just don't care.  What?

8 out of 10
Whiskey dick, whiskey dick, whiskey dick... machine porn!

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If you'd like Mike and Tim to review your porno site, send a link to: MikeandTim@chiefmag.com

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